so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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