we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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