4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
we're chasing vodka with high fives
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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