I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I love having hate sex.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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