Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
