he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
