i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
