I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Floor bacon is actually really good
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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