Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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