I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was born a porn star she said
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
