and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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