is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
