i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
