either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Do vagina's smell?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Randomize
