You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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