i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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