insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
