That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
