Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
