I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
