After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
