Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
