You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
