Sry I called you an 8
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
