Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
