I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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