I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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