I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
