Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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