Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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