White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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