I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
