arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
