I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
