Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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