just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
