I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
