Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
my poor anus
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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