omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
