I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
