God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
