so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
