the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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