I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
