Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
