If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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