So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
