you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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