just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
