just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
