I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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