I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
