Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
