I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
