she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
