I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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