____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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