Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
