At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm like, not good at living.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
